Halo-Scientology?

You're looking at one of the many temples built by the Covenant, a conglomerate group of aliens who collectively decided to become warlike in their method of spreading their message of the Great Journey, a journey one can take by travelling along various terraformed rings known as halos. I know, I know: sounds like Lord of the Rings or even Christianity. May I suggest Halo as an allegory for Scientology? Keep in mind, analogies do not work when there is an easy 1:1 correspondence. In fact, the two things being compared need a degree of mismatch for it to work--two unalike things work best because they highlight where the comparison works while granting where it doesn't.

Having recently purchased Halo 3 and thus essentially portalled into another dimension, I'm probably no where near the head space as anyone reading this blog, but here goes.



The Spartan warrior who destroyed one of the rings in a previous storyline is now friends with The Arbiter, leader of the heresy against the Prophet of Truth, i.e. L Ron Hubbard, who deliberately deceives his people by not telling them of the greater dangers of The Flood, a parasite that turns all forms of life into its zombie-puppets (lets call Gravemind, their leader, "Xenu," noting, however, that Gravemind does not have the same Yahweh-like powers as Xenu). The Spartan warrior you play as can travel through many levels of gradual revealing of the truth--or the truth of the Prophet's lies. It's like going deep undercover as a Scientologist.




When I play the game and fight The Flood, I'm always scared that one of the little infection modules will facehug onto some dead body and animate it, which will then divert my attention away from more incoming infection modules. Kinda like fighting Scientology and The Twelve Tribes at the same time--I turn my back on one and miss a body-snatching. (OK, so I've involved the TT--remember, the Covenant is not a single race, but a conglomerate. Feel free to insert any zealous group.)



The humans have recently allied with the Elites, lead by The Arbiter. I see the Elites as Crusaders turned good Christians--doubters of a "single path" to enlightenment, unlike their orthodox former friends in the Covenant. To mix comparisons even more, it's almost like Ishmael Reed's novel, Mumbo Jumbo. I fight alongside them, but wonder if they won't eventually give into their previous single-minded zealousy and forego their "common enemy" stance.



Last February 10 somehow became anti-Scientology day, with world-wide protests led against the church. What I don't know is if Scientology has drummed the whole thing up in order to appear the victim or if it's real. Apparently some hackers crashed the church's sites and have also made sure the Tom Cruise-is-batshit-crazy-videos don't disappear. What I do know is that some years ago The Free Zone dedicated itself to believing in the Hubbard-Xenuverse, but offered info entirely for free. What keeps me sane is knowing that I actually like it when humans believe in little fantasy worlds--I encourage it! I do it! It's when fantasy and reality merge at the corporate level--scary. I think I might actually like some of those Free Zone people--maybe. I like knowing that I am not like The Flood, an indiscriminate eradicator of all that stands in my way. Unfortunately, my TT and Sci family members think of me this way, as a Suppressive Person/the Devil, rather than as a defender of critical thinking, a destabilizer of orthodox, concrete, unwavering thinking. One of my ex's used to demand that I immediately make known my religious beliefs. I declared that I could, but that I also had an unconscious. She happened to be a pretty hardcore Christian, though she hid that from me for a long time. She accused me of being "patchwork" in my worldview. "You take a little of this and a little of that--but who are you?--what side are you on?"

And for that, I do not have an answer. I may not always know what I'm for, but I know that I'm against Scientology and the Twelve Tribes, and take great pleasure in imagining them as little AI beings that I can kill. I love not taking things literally.

Blood Orgy--Yayyyy!!!!

We at Hatchety-Murder strive to bring you the very best in funny violence, but around Christmas it becomes quite a problem to find the appropriately themed links and embeds. Unfortunately, we aren't a fan of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer," for obvious reasons, but we still yearn for some relief from holiday stress by enjoying an Xmas song or skit that would not be appropriate for work. Nothing beats South Park's Woodland Critters' Christmas. This is just a little something to take the sting off.

Do I Really Need to Set This Up?

Thanksgiving is a turd of day and anyone who says otherwise gets a fork in their eye. Howzabout I eat YOU?

Holiday Travels, Part II

I spend a few days in Phoenixville, PA (near Valley Forge and Philly), with UMass pal Kaecyy. He and his brother, his girlfriend, her best friend, and her boyfriend all live in this quasi-gated community in the middle of the woods.


Within lurks all manner of oddities. Here's a picture of the living room. It began as all Chinese decor, but evolved into a painted mantle, killbot puppet on the TV, Woodsy the Owl pillow, tiki-totem pastiche. Awesome.
The rest of the pictures are just a sampling of what you'll find in his house. They are the scary clown hung on the wall over the toilet, which Kaeccy explains is "often found turned around because people don't like him to watch"; two old dollies that his girlfriend found on eBay recently; and an alien blow-up doll--an Xmas present. I think you get the idea that his house is one big bohemian playground where time has no meaning.

Holiday Travels, Part I

My first stop was Kingston, NY (near Saugerties, Woodstock), for a brief visit with long-time friends, the Brothers Schikowitz. Highlights:

--setting up two drumsets facing each other and battling it out with Ben S.
--The freak accident at their aunt's Xmas party. Apparently, one relative's Passat has a computer chip malfunction and the car went Maximum Overdive alive and insane, hitting everyone's car, including my brother's. He's now got enough insurance money for 1/4 of a new car, as the Passat bulldozed his into a telephone pole (he wasn't in it). When we tried to move the Passat, just turning the engine on almost caused another accident. Now I look at my Jetta sideways.
--Sam S showing me the archery target, which he shoots from his bedroom window. One morning the arrows sizzles through the air and lands in the target, when at once we hear, "You fuckin' assholes, I just let my dog out!"
--Aforementioned dog has a ball on the inside of his leg (see picture).

Flow Chart of Blame

This holiday season, as I sit next to my fake log fireplace, tipsy on Scotch, I reflect back on all those whom I despise. Whom to blame for my troubles? The carollers outside? Yes! Now that I own my own plot of land, I can send them to my side door and then spring out of my shed with an axe! I will stack their chopped limbs by my fake logs fireplace and slowly burn them to a Kris Kringle Krisp! Did you know an appendage keeps you house warm for a full two hours? Me neither! But Christmas is the season for giving. And for taking. Carollers' lives. Mmmmm....scotch and roast cheer....