This Week in B_n

--I was invited to be the speaker at the "exiting ceremony" where I work--which trite metaphor shall I use as I send them on their way?

--I'm sick of Obama's inconsistency with his old pastor, with Fox news, etc.

--I learned that Teddy Roosevelt's mom and wife died on the same day, and that he subsequently travelled to the American badlands to mull it over. He then led an expedition through Brazil to find a river, during which much of his party committed suicide or were murdered by natives, lived to tell everyone about the place, but was nevertheless disbelieved by respected geographers.



--I stood in line for an hour so that I could pick up my reserve copy of GTA IV. I thought I was a big dork until I realized there were no pimply-faced teenagers around at all. The fans were all my age, of varying ethnicity, gender, and class, some carrying babies on their arms, some an entire nuclear family, though most were lone males like me. None of us seemed like "nerds" at all, but rather celebrants of the most satirical video game about American culture ever invented (by the Scottish). We were all chatting about it line like it was not just some sort of Harry Potter phenomenon, but some sort of very serious event, like a new Wilco or Radiohead record. Not knowing GTA is like not knowing Seinfeld, The Wizard of Oz, or "Happy Birthday"--you must actively reject it not to know of it or at least its general contribution/detriment. When I brought it home I accidentally ripped off the plastic that stays on the case. My trembling fingers guided the disk into the Xbox tray like a nervous teenage virgin. The world of Liberty City opened up like Valhalla. I did not steal a car, punch anyone, or blow someone's brains out. I walked around, interacted with pedestrians, went to my apartment, and watched TV. That's right: you can just sit there in your virtual pad and flip channels around GTA-land TV while you mellow out. One show paired a butch closeted gay man with an out femmy gay man--that's a show I want to see: homophobia and queer criticism encircling each other like good and evil do in Fantasia. I then programmed my virtual cellphone with custom ringtones and tuned my radio to all-Russian pop, which is an amazing new genre I know nothing about except the usual (Gorky Park, Tatu, etc.). Apparently one can also make the character go "online" and connect to some social networking site--I've heard that XBox livers can actually connect to other Xboxers this way, like myspace and facebook. I can't confirm this most odd of mediations I've ever heard of.

--I rewatched the brilliant documentary Hollywoodism, which my "clients" love. They can't believe that Hollywood offers an inclusive picture of the American Dream that, ironically, was constructed by the very people shut out of it in the first place. An image consumes reality yet again.



--Opeth is my new favorite band. What other prog death metal band performs an entirely acoustic folk set of pure evil before launching into the "heavy" stuff? Here's just a mere taste: "Hope Leaves"--great fuckin' title, eh? More Opeth to come. I'll tattoo this O--I don't give a fuck.

Thine Eyes Bleed

Warning!

What you are about to see will make your eyes bleed.






You will go blind.















I'm not kidding.













You've seen him sneer in State and Main.












You've seen him groan "I just wanna pump, pump" in Happiness.












Curled up next to a model airplane in Love Liza.












And sitting in his tighty-whities in Red Dragon.











Now.












Watch.











Him.


















From several angles.















Have sex with Marisa Tomei!

A Rusty Nail Part II

In between Last Man and I Am Legend was the 1970s attempt at the apocalypse, Omega Man, starring "C-Dog" Heston, of course, but this one didn't give me nightmares. Oh wait, yes it did: the part in which he watches Woodstock over and over and over again, mouthing the hippies' lines word for word. Shudder.

In I Am Legend, the film Will Smith watches over and over is Shrek, and the one foodstuff he saves in his freezer, bacon. He attaches these memories to his absent family, as with the character in the original novel and film. But as you would expect, the setting is NYC (not LA) and Smith won't leave "ground zero" to explore the possibility of other survivors. Moreover, the film is ruined by bad CGI by once again inserting smooth, shiny surfaces where there should be dark, porous ones. A says that we will look back on the CGI era the way we do cheap color of the 40s and 50s with its garish pinks and greens.

I will say that there are a few poignant moments that give new meaning to the word "loneliness" and an excellent nod to Romero's positing of a "talented 10th" of zombies (well, vampires--they're called "hemocytes" actually) who start to think for themselves. Overall, however, none of the three films dared touch the theme running through the novel about the "lewd and lascivious" female vamp-zombs who attempt to lure him outside by strip-tease and masturbation. In I Am Legend, Smith experiments on a female hemocyte, and one might as, why her? In the novel, the question is given an explicit answer, and it's not pretty (though not necrophilic either).

I also saved myself another restless night without sleep by turning to another fundamentally amazing text, Blade Runner: The Final Cut. The audio is in 5.1, the transfer is sharper, and more gore was added (put back in--it was originally taken out); the bad stunt doubles and continuity problems were nixed completely. However, the accompanying documentary, Dangerous Days, was a nerd's delight! Sound the neeeeeeerd hornnnnnn. Three hours looooooooog! Bring your Hot Pockets and Gatoraaaaaade. You get to see screen tests of other actors trying out for Pris and Rachel--with the exact same lighting, smoke, and blocking!!! <---that's real enthusiasm, not sarcasm). Watching it has the odd effect of suggesting other replicants are "out there."

The most fascinating part of the doc was actually a socio-historical one: why did it fail at the box office during the summer of 1982? Because Reaganomics promised hope and happiness, not dark dystopia. Guess which film made the most that summer? E fucking T!!!! I remember that summer so well because everyone was crying over ET--I mean everyone. Oh and here are some other films Blade Runner had to compete with that summer: Beastmaster, Conan the Barbarian, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Poltergeist, Star Trek II, Rocky III, The Thing, and Tron.

To conclude by reiterating CGI sucks (except in Buffy, in which it has a campy effect that actually heightens suspension of disbelief). As one of the producers of (the new) Battlestar Galactica series relates, "We often just say to the CGI people--give it that 'Blade Runner' look, and they know exactly what we mean." Ironically, there is no CGI in Blade Runner--it's all in-camera effects. We truly are ruled by computers and robots these days. The replicants have won:

Juno Part II

I've been thinking about BEM's question--whether I truly thought the "homeskillet" comment was the funniest thing about Juno. Not only was it a genuinely a funny line, the fact that most people don't find it funny says to me that they actually liked Ellen Page's lines better, which I don't because they aren't as funny when a cynical teenager says them. Dwight Schrute (essentially) saying it makes it awkward/cringe comedy because he's a grown-ass man working in a 7-11 who assumes he knows better than a precocious teenage girl--a girl, who, by her own admission, doesn't know "what kind of girl she is." But she does know that she's alienated and cynical--thus all the tiresome "fashizzle" speak. I did like how the film honors every subjectivity, but I kinda agree with this script as an apt parody of Diablo Cody's writing style.

There Will be Old Men with Milkshakes--UPDATED post-Oscars

But seriously, the one that pleased me the most was a long-time fav:

No Country for Vigilantes

Just watched The Brave One and recently finished a review of The Searchers--two revenge films (athough, properly, one melodrama and one western). I've always loved The Searchers because it divides audiences right about the moment when "Look" (the "squaw") is kicked down the hill. It's also one of those films that uses visual irony pretty consistently: John Ford's signature long shot flattens the hunting party against the buttes and the desert, each element a complement of the other, as if these white guys actually belong there, as if they are "integrated"--while in other shots they stick out like sore thumbs. In real life, Ford was politically the opposite to John Wayne, too, which is interesting. The film is critique of the white man's genocidal impulse, but John Wayne's mere presence in the film is an obstacle for many viewers. I'm reminded of how Faulkner's critique of Southern orthodoxy is also overshadowed by his uncomfortably harsh depictions of racism.

The Brave One takes all the obstacles away and makes sure you don't miss a single message. In fact, there's no subtext to the film at all. If you even try to imagine the film as a "comment" on the death penalty, there's an elevator scene to assure you that it is indeed: two people argue over endorsing the vigilante--"So you are FOR lethal injection, too?" snaps one. Foster's, a talk radio DJ, answers calls from listeners who pretty much sound like they are reading an after-school play about smoking--only it's vigilantism, of course. And if you try to think of the film as a conflict between the head and the heart, too bad: a scene between the detective and Foster spells that out too. Cut to Foster "dancing" with the memory of her murdered boyfriend, who also somehow plays guitar, both diegetically and extradiegetically. The film screams the message at you: you can't "feel" one way and "think" another, not in the end. You've got to make a choice. You've got to be John Wayne or better yet, the John Wayne of our times: Jack Bauer from Fox's 24. Even if you are rooting for Foster and just want to see her kick butt, Lilith fair den mother Sarah Mclachlin de-adrenalizes all her screaming and shooting with soft ballads throughout, as if to say "this is the real woman here-the one with the gun was just 'acting'. She didn't want to be the monster."

So give me John Ford. Give me something interesting, like, how did he deal with not being able to show the massacre of the whites in the beginning of The Searchers? The film begins from within the cool and dark safety of the cabin and then moves outward into the bright sublime desert--Ford bars us from re-entry.

Or give me the Coen Brothers, give me Faulkner. Give me subtext. Otherwise, art is simply a political cartoon. Since there was no real complexity to the art (I mean c'mon, Neil Jordan--taking lessons from Ron Howard?), I'd image one could encapsulate its content with something similar to this:



Or give me no art and politically laughable messages. Give me Charles Bronson in Deathwish III. Make it exploitively hilarious. Give me so much lack of subtext that I, the viewer, must invent it. One good thing The Brave One had going for it--Bronson and Foster have the same haircut!

"You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat!" -- Hatchety-Mudery Honors Roy Scheider

It's in the Hallway

Goodbye 2007

Inspired by BEM's list of 2007 "Bests," here's my own.

FILMS:
Best Ghost Therapy/Melodrama Gothic Horror: The Messengers (runner up: The Abandoned); Worst: The Invisible; 1408
Best Uncanny Horror: Dead Silence
Best Zombie/Gross-out Horror: Planet Terror
Best Slasher/Torture: Halloween (Runner-up: Hostel II)
Best Creature-Feature: The Host
Best Psychological Horror: Bug (Runner-up: Zodiac)

Best Comedy: Ratatouille (Runner-up: Hot Fuzz; Simpsons Movie); Worst: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Best Action: Rescue Dawn (Runners up: Death Proof (2nd half); Bourne Ultimatum); Worst: Live Free or Die Hard

Best Action Drama (i.e could have western/noir elements): No Country For Old Men (close runner up: Eastern Promises)

Best Tragicomedy: The Savages (runners up: Sherry Baby; The Interview)

Most Disappointing: Hannibal Rising (corny); Balls of Fury (slow) ; 28 Weeks Later (ghost therapy)

Had Its Moments: Reno 911, Superbad, Knocked Up; The Lookout; Sicko

Missed: I Know Who Killed Me; The Darjeeling Limited; 30 Days of Night; American Gangster, There Will Be Blood; I'm Not There; Atonement; Juno; Walk Hard; Black Snake Moan; Waitress; Tell No One; 30 Days of Night; La Vie En Rose; You Kill Me; The Invasion; Hatchet; I am Legend; The Brave One; Resident Evil: Extinction; We Own The Night; Sweeney Todd; Fay Wray

TELEVISION:

Best Action/Urban Commentary: The Wire; The Shield

Best Drama: Tie between The Sopranos and Deadwood

Best Melodrama: The L Word

Best Crime/Mystery/Noir: Damages

Best Slapstick Comedy: Rock of Love

Best Satirical Comedy: The Office; runners up: 30 Rock and The Colbert Report

Best Body Horror Melodrama: Nip/Tuck; runner-up: Dexter

Best Political Commentary: Daily Show; runner-up: Real-Time with Bill Maher

Most Disturbing Unintentional Commentary on Our Society: Kid Nation; Flip That House

Best Shot: Planet Earth

Had Its Moments: Battlestar Galactica; Friday Night Lights; Heroes

Most Disappointing: The Riches; Bionic Woman; Gilmore Girls; John from Cincinnati; Veronica Mars; Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia

MUSIC:

Best Albums: Rob Lockart's "Parallel Lives," Type O Negative's "Dead Again" and Neko Case's "Live from Austin, TX"

Best Reunion: The Police

Most Disappointing: Tenacious D; Britney Spears

Everybody Loves, But I Can't Stand: Amy Winehouse

Has Its Moments: Tori Amos' American Doll Posse; The Lost Tracks of Danzig; Smashing Pumpkins' "Zeitgeist"

I WIll Miss: MIchael Brecker; Max Roach: Oscar Peterson

Pop Songs I Can't Get Out of My Head: "Umbrella" (Rihanna); "Big Girls Don't Cry" (Fergie)


New Genre I'm Exploring: Operatic Death Metal (Epica; Kamelot)

I've Missed: St. Vincent, the new Radiohead, the new Rasputina, etc.

Riddle Me This!

One day someone asked me if I'd eat raw hamburger off of Zooey Deschanel and I seriously considered it. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. The other day, I found out that M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, The Happening, will star her. Oh no. Now the riddle has come true! What do I do? I could stare endlessly at this hip girl-next-door beauty, but ever since Lady in the Water, I'm worried that the narrative will be simply painful and unwatchable, not good-bad, but bad-bad.

In related "Night News," I would like you all to read a hilarious group of flamers debate Night's tendency to rip off older texts. (If link doesn't work, go to his imdb page, click threads, and scroll down to the "which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits will he rip off next?" discussion.

UPDATE 1/17--OKAY: COPIED AND PASTED BELOW:

Board: M. Night Shyamalan

1234

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which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by frankduxvandamme (Fri Nov 23 2007 15:18:05)
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hmm...
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by In_Excess (Fri Nov 23 2007 19:39:46)
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Which ones has he ripped off before? Hmmmm, NONE.
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by frankduxvandamme (Sat Nov 24 2007 17:20:28)
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Which ones has he ripped off before? Hmmmm, NONE.


the sixth sense.

there were at least 5 episodes of TZ where the main character was dead and didnt know it. then the big twist at the end of the episode was the character realizing he or she was dead the entire time.

The Village.

there were several episodes of both the TZ and the new Outer Limits involving the isolation of a community not aware of their own isolation, until the end.
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by RequiemForADyingPlanet (Sat Nov 24 2007 20:40:19)
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Shyamalan fans refuse to acknowledge that their messiah is a plagiarist.

By giving factual examples you force them to resort to denial (which they will, mark my words).
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by In_Excess (Mon Nov 26 2007 06:29:42)
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UPDATED Mon Nov 26 2007 06:31:05

the sixth sense.

there were at least 5 episodes of TZ where the main character was dead and didnt know it. then the big twist at the end of the episode was the character realizing he or she was dead the entire time.

The Village.

there were several episodes of both the TZ and the new Outer Limits involving the isolation of a community not aware of their own isolation, until the end.


You have never seen an episode of TZ before have you? Direct me to the EXACT EPISODES in which you claim Night ripped off. Otherwise, I do not believe it. I want you to prove these ridiculous allegations, especially the "at least 5" and "several episodes." Also, if Night rips those off, pretty much EVERY twist movie ever made ripped off TZ as well. The Others, Fight Club, Usual Suspects, Jacob's Ladder, etc. I'd like you to point out a twist film where the twist hadn't been done in SOME way in the past. There is nothing completely original left, at least as far as the twists are concerned.
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by RequiemForADyingPlanet (Mon Nov 26 2007 06:58:04)
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UPDATED Mon Nov 26 2007 06:58:47
Here are some examples of TZ episodes Shyamalan ripped off:


The Passerby - 10/6/61

A Confederate soldier rests with a weary woman waiting for her husband to return from battle. They realize they're dead along with the many soldiers walking down the road towards the afterlife.



The Hitch-Hiker - 1/22/60

A woman traveling across the country, keeps encountering the same mysterious hitch-hiker everwhere she goes. She later finds out that she had died on the trip and he's the Angel of Death.


He even stole his idea for LITW


The Bewitchin' Pool - 6/19/64

Two children escape through a magical portal in their pool, into a peaceful world for children.


Looks like In_Excess has to eat his words....AGAIN!




Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by In_Excess (Mon Nov 26 2007 12:56:15)
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UPDATED Mon Nov 26 2007 12:57:52
Looks like In_Excess has to eat his words....AGAIN!


You are an idiot. That is not "proof" of anything. In fact, anyone will be hard pressed to prove that Night ripped off any episode of TZ. What you have is two episodes where people realize they have been dead all along, so what? How does that BROAD realization prove that Night ripped off TZ? For all you know Rod Serling ripped off other sources for those episodes. I'm certain that Serling wasn't the first person on Earth to come up with the concept of someone realizing they were dead all along. Also, again, if that is enough "proof" for you to label Night as a plagiarist, you shouldn't have a problem labeling 90% of the filmmakers out there plagiarists as well.

Your last Bewitchin' Pool example is supposed to prove what exactly? Oh no, Lady in the Water has a pool that a Narf uses to live in, must be a rip of TZ!!! Yours and the OP's assertions are completely ludicrous. Again, you cannot take broad areas of a plot and say that it was ripped off. They are general enough to be mere coincidences. It's like saying Star Wars ripped off 2001 because they both took place in outer space. The only "rip off" criticism I am willing to entertain is the Running Out of Time v. The Village, which at least has some SPECIFIC detail that overlaps. Try again Jeremey.
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by RequiemForADyingPlanet (Mon Nov 26 2007 13:53:18)
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I guess writing bogus posts defending your director keeps your mind off the fact that you still have to eat your words. I gave proof. You couldn't handle that, your angry rant proves it.

Hopefully your next attempt isn't as pitiful.

How do those words taste, "moron"?
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by In_Excess (Mon Nov 26 2007 16:08:34)
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I guess writing bogus posts defending your director keeps your mind off the fact that you still have to eat your words. I gave proof. You couldn't handle that, your angry rant proves it.

Hopefully your next attempt isn't as pitiful.

How do those words taste, "moron"?


Just when I thought Jeremey couldn't get any more stupid, he gives us this classic post. Go look up the definition of "proof" before shooting your mouth of again idiot. I can't believe I have to explain these things to you. Again, when I asked for PROOF I asked for CONCRETE evidence to defend your moronic assertions. What you have provided as your "proof" is not even close to that. Your idiocy continues to astound me Jeremey.
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by RequiemForADyingPlanet (Mon Nov 26 2007 19:47:10)
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What more concrete evidence do you want? I gave CLEAR EXAMPLES of TZ stories that MIRRORED Shyamalan films.

Of course, you're probably holding out for an audio recording of Shyamalan admitting his guilt. If that's the proof your holding out for, keep holding your breath.

Your redundant circular logic is amusing. I'm sure it gets you through the day.


1234

Introducing Two New Faves: Scotch n' Chigurh

Several scenes from No Country for Old Men feature characters drinking from a glass of milk. "Look, it's still sweatin',' says one. Yup. Out here in the Texas heat, a sweatin' glass of milk means you are about to drink it or (oh shit) the person just drinkin' it was just here.

"He's no one," says a character of Anton Chigurh, the philosophical serial killer who makes Hannibal Fava Beans' "intellect" look like pre-school. Chigurh is poor Mexican hit man, apparently, who has a grander vision of the world than he does of himself. The Coens' film truncates much of the extended conversations he has with his victims, but they syphon those words into "pictures worth a thousand words." Every shot counts.

Which, by the way, leads me to ABELOUR a'bunadh, my new favorite single malt Scotch, introduced to me at a seminar last night. The facilitator reviewed Glenlevit, Scapa, and Laphroaig first, and then hit us with this. Whoa. No peat, shoe leather, or iodine. Just cherry, chocolate, ginger, and dried fruit, almost like a sherry. Can a Scotch be a sherry?

"Would you have me second guess the world?" That's what Chiguh says to someone who pleads for dear life. Before he pulls the trigger, he might say, "If the road you travelled got you here, of what use was the road?" These aren't pithy Arab proverbs ("If a dog bit off your ear, would you search first for your ear or chase the dog?"), these are examples of a tight belief system. The trouble is, there's one contradiction. Chigurh occasionally tosses coins and let's his victims go. Does he put more faith in chance or fate? Is there any distinction for him? When you are the one blubberin' "You don't have to do this!" he answers, "They always say that." Note his failure to communicate with the victims in any meaningful way: "they" not "you" as in "Why did you say that?" Chigurh kills like a monk in love with life--but the opposite of a Buddhist who preserves life at all costs. Same tenet; different execution, no pun intended.

Let's not forget the film is set in 1980 and at least three characters (possible Chigurh, too) were in 'Nam. You've got to listen closely to Sheriff Bell's stories. The function of his narration is to make up for a huge mistake he made in the war. You will miss this, but it's there. The book, obviously, makes sure you don't miss it, but the Coens, understated poets that they are, make obscure reference to it. And this is why I like the film so much. It makes me remember why I study film as seriously as I do literature. I could pause any frame and write a page on that alone. The mess of dead bodies in an open plain, a windmill in the distance. The wealth of knowledge Texans have about guns, but not necessarily people (Anton seems to be adept at both). The lighting, oh god, the lighting. Let's call it Hotel Room Gothic Noir. Afternoon sun creeping through the shades, shining through a central air grill in which a suitcase full of money sits, and waits, like Chigurh himself. The irony of shootin' guns at people as "impolite"! "When they stop saying ma'am and sir, then the rest of the world'll go to shit." Only a Texas cop with a gun would say that--and then read the newspaper article about the "weird" man in nothing but a dog collar.

Since Chigurh is after the money that some hapless shmoe found, it would seem that Chigurh is after "himself" too. Again, he's like a religious man, trying to find himself by exploring the world. Take away the killing part and he could be my best friend. Or my new favorite Scotch. Take a shot--cask strength--and yelp. But then mellow out and deal with it passively for a moment. I suppose Scotch drinking--any hard liquor-drinking--is a bit like masochism. Assaulting one's tongue for the benefit of belated effects.

I watched the film with an open mouth. I couldn't move. The Scotch seminar taught me to smell Scotch with an open mouth: it cuts the alcohol and allows the flora to permeate. Now go do this at No Country. Allow the flora of money, blood, and gunsmoke to permeate your pallet.