It's in the Hallway

Oh Baby, I... I...I'm Gonna...I'm Gonna CLIFFHANGERRRR!!! {guys only}

Since I Know Who Killed Me has become my favorite movie since No Country for Old Men, I think we all know I have a high/low art problem (see my dissertation, in which I actually gave close reading to Boxing Helena--yes, Boxing Helena).

It's just so much fun knowing that if you had Hollywood connections, you'd be more successful than the hacks you skewer on a nightly basis.

The latest skewering goes to The Tudors (pronounced Choo-dors; say it with me: Tudors, tulip [choo-lip], tuna [choo-na], TUDORS!). Showtime is obviously trying to compete with Rome on HBO, but whereas Rome invented lower-class characters to contrast the heavies of history, The Tudors cares very little for the facts. They CGI crane shots over London, the sets are awkwardly small--even a joust takes place in what looks like my back yard--and each episode jumps the shark by either a) someone buggers a scullery maid/lady in waiting, or b) someone gets "the sweat," which, yes, is historically what they called the Sweating Sickness, a plague-like illness which slowly killed you with fever and had no no origin. In real life, you could fight it and win sometimes. On The Tudors, you DIE WITHIN ONE DAY. You'll be delivering food on a silver platter to His Highness when you suddenly trip, then fall to the ground, all the while ripping open your shirt so the that the sweat may escape like a demon clawing its way out. Everyone who shows symptoms dies--the gay character first, of course--but one person, Anne Boleyn.

As a good soul on imdb says of the show: "It doesn't look like a bit like England, the actors don't look English, the script manages to be both hideously turgid and blindingly prosaic at the same time and some of the performances hit a nadir we haven't seen on mainstream British TV since Crossroads came back. Ann Boleyn looks as if she's just come in from playing shinty, Sam Neill clearly thinks he's in an episode of Star Trek or Red Dwarf and Catherine of Aragon looks as if she could go fifteen rounds with a good light heavyweight and drink Boris Yeltsin under the table while Thomas More, instead of being one of the engines of the enlightenment, seems to have the IQ of a fruitbat. The sets are hilarious. You could fit their Tower of London set in a B&Q greenhouse and the jousting scenes, of which there are a lot, seem to take place in Charlton Athletic's car park. The episode with the Field of the Cloth of Gold, the most extravagant meeting in history meeting between two rulers of Christian monarchies, looks as if it were shot in an unloved corner of Legoland and will have you in stitches. And historical accuracy? Whoever was in charge of that has never read anything longer than a jamjar label. So I'm hooked. Can it get worse? You betcha . . . .

By the last episode, we know what history tell us: Henry cannot be seen with Anne until his illegal divorce goes through (damn those popes!), so they must meet in "the wood" (Many Europeans omit the 's': "I'm scared of what might be in the wood!"). They thrust together, bodices and codpieces ripping and unsticking, respectively; but then, right as Hank is about to spew his divine-right essence, Anne pushes him off her, crying, "We musn't!" or something to the effect of, "If I have a child by you, I'll be in big do-do; everyone knows who I am now." With giant blueballs, Johnathan Rhys Meyes does this:





Then...FADE TO CREDITS! I shit you not. They literally made the cliffhanger narrative blueballs. So if you want to tune in/come next season, rise out of denouement and re-harden, folks, and see:





You see, Showtime is great and all--thanks for The L Word, especially--but they're TOO sexy. And I'm sick of sexy. Watching The West Wing reminds me that some American TV uses real people with real faces, and people in their 40s and 50s go on dates and have actual sex appeal. But Showtime just doesn't get that they will be old news, and soon. Dexter may survive, but I dunno. The Writers' Strike is still in full force. The Tudors returns in March, somehow. What? I'm eating IN tonight, honey. Just be back before bedtime, okay?

Goodbye 2007

Inspired by BEM's list of 2007 "Bests," here's my own.

FILMS:
Best Ghost Therapy/Melodrama Gothic Horror: The Messengers (runner up: The Abandoned); Worst: The Invisible; 1408
Best Uncanny Horror: Dead Silence
Best Zombie/Gross-out Horror: Planet Terror
Best Slasher/Torture: Halloween (Runner-up: Hostel II)
Best Creature-Feature: The Host
Best Psychological Horror: Bug (Runner-up: Zodiac)

Best Comedy: Ratatouille (Runner-up: Hot Fuzz; Simpsons Movie); Worst: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Best Action: Rescue Dawn (Runners up: Death Proof (2nd half); Bourne Ultimatum); Worst: Live Free or Die Hard

Best Action Drama (i.e could have western/noir elements): No Country For Old Men (close runner up: Eastern Promises)

Best Tragicomedy: The Savages (runners up: Sherry Baby; The Interview)

Most Disappointing: Hannibal Rising (corny); Balls of Fury (slow) ; 28 Weeks Later (ghost therapy)

Had Its Moments: Reno 911, Superbad, Knocked Up; The Lookout; Sicko

Missed: I Know Who Killed Me; The Darjeeling Limited; 30 Days of Night; American Gangster, There Will Be Blood; I'm Not There; Atonement; Juno; Walk Hard; Black Snake Moan; Waitress; Tell No One; 30 Days of Night; La Vie En Rose; You Kill Me; The Invasion; Hatchet; I am Legend; The Brave One; Resident Evil: Extinction; We Own The Night; Sweeney Todd; Fay Wray

TELEVISION:

Best Action/Urban Commentary: The Wire; The Shield

Best Drama: Tie between The Sopranos and Deadwood

Best Melodrama: The L Word

Best Crime/Mystery/Noir: Damages

Best Slapstick Comedy: Rock of Love

Best Satirical Comedy: The Office; runners up: 30 Rock and The Colbert Report

Best Body Horror Melodrama: Nip/Tuck; runner-up: Dexter

Best Political Commentary: Daily Show; runner-up: Real-Time with Bill Maher

Most Disturbing Unintentional Commentary on Our Society: Kid Nation; Flip That House

Best Shot: Planet Earth

Had Its Moments: Battlestar Galactica; Friday Night Lights; Heroes

Most Disappointing: The Riches; Bionic Woman; Gilmore Girls; John from Cincinnati; Veronica Mars; Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia

MUSIC:

Best Albums: Rob Lockart's "Parallel Lives," Type O Negative's "Dead Again" and Neko Case's "Live from Austin, TX"

Best Reunion: The Police

Most Disappointing: Tenacious D; Britney Spears

Everybody Loves, But I Can't Stand: Amy Winehouse

Has Its Moments: Tori Amos' American Doll Posse; The Lost Tracks of Danzig; Smashing Pumpkins' "Zeitgeist"

I WIll Miss: MIchael Brecker; Max Roach: Oscar Peterson

Pop Songs I Can't Get Out of My Head: "Umbrella" (Rihanna); "Big Girls Don't Cry" (Fergie)


New Genre I'm Exploring: Operatic Death Metal (Epica; Kamelot)

I've Missed: St. Vincent, the new Radiohead, the new Rasputina, etc.

More Buffalo Than Buffalo: The Savages

Okay, guys. Prepare yourself for this movie. Remember how Buffalo '66 captured the Buffalo suburbs a little too well, especially that lump of a mother-zombie chanting "go! go!" to the Bills? That was nothing.

The Savages stars our fav, P.S. Hoffman, of course, and guess what? He's a lot like us. He teaches lit at UB (he's got the Ph D, but he's more like a TA; you'll see what I mean), lives near Tupper in a horrible apartment full of puke David Lynch green wallpaper--but nice wood trim, and gets distracted by the gloomy Buffalo skyline, the bare trees of winter, etc. His sister (Laura Linney) just assumes he's depressed BECAUSE HE LIVES IN BUFFALO. And when her illicit, married, lover visits her (chiming, "I've never been to Buffalo!"), but then barely checking it out and skipping straight to Niagara Falls, he drags her to the Days Inn where an attempt at sex fails. Why? Because it's Buffalo! She even says, "Look at us! We're at a motel--in Buffalo--it's such a cliche!"

Of course the whole movie is about how we're all going to die eventually. That and the fact that the two middle-aged siblings lie to each other and themselves about their "achievements." She writes plays; he's studies them. A student asks him in that Buffalo-Valley-Girl accent, "What's the difference between plot and narrative? You, um, wrote it on the board." Hoffman lumbers back and forth across the classroom floor and can't quite answer. You just know what he's thinking.

This isn't really a movie review--non-sequitor, now, sort of. I've been toying around with the idea of writing my autobiography and I asked my dad who should play grad student me; you know, the lumpy, torpid, sit in a chair all day me. Answer? Philip Seymore Hoffman. Thanks, dad. Thanks alot. Wait. Shouldn't I take it as a complement? My dad genuinely likes him and has seen him only in Capote and some other relatively "good" role--not Dear Liza or Happiness. So he knows not what he's said. Oh well. We are ALL Philip Seymore Hoffman.

Just briefly--the reason I may have to write my autobiography is because of this book. It features my mom and stepdad as anecdotal warm-ups to each chapter. You know. Sociologists always use "human interest" stories to put a humna face on their data and theories. The chapters start with my mom and then move outward to show her as an example of the larger picture, and then finally end by showing how hippie men were heteronormative, etc. It's everything I've always wanted to say about where I grew up as a kid, but I'm not objective enough. Finally, someone else has done it.

It's VERY WEIRD how it features me as the "preschool kid" who arrives at the Garden of Eden with a naive mother and a shy stepfather, both of whom so badly need an identity that for the rest of my life I will be fighting an uphill battle against their politics. I'm sure publishers will see the irony of all this and give my own story a chance. It's all so meta. That now means all of YOU will be in it, too. Okay, so what do you want me to call you guys in it? How about I just put dialogue in your mouths like, "Man, B, you should write this down! It's destiny."

Bhutto's Death

I'm inclined to believe that the only reason she could not fulfill all of her campaign promises to help Pakistani women is that the opposition to her power was so great that she had to expend most of her energy fighting that. I also believe that she had to (mis)manage money in order to fight the true corruption at hand. I'm just starting to read all the history, but clarifications are welcome.

Blood Orgy--Yayyyy!!!!

We at Hatchety-Murder strive to bring you the very best in funny violence, but around Christmas it becomes quite a problem to find the appropriately themed links and embeds. Unfortunately, we aren't a fan of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer," for obvious reasons, but we still yearn for some relief from holiday stress by enjoying an Xmas song or skit that would not be appropriate for work. Nothing beats South Park's Woodland Critters' Christmas. This is just a little something to take the sting off.

Riddle Me This!

One day someone asked me if I'd eat raw hamburger off of Zooey Deschanel and I seriously considered it. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. The other day, I found out that M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, The Happening, will star her. Oh no. Now the riddle has come true! What do I do? I could stare endlessly at this hip girl-next-door beauty, but ever since Lady in the Water, I'm worried that the narrative will be simply painful and unwatchable, not good-bad, but bad-bad.

In related "Night News," I would like you all to read a hilarious group of flamers debate Night's tendency to rip off older texts. (If link doesn't work, go to his imdb page, click threads, and scroll down to the "which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits will he rip off next?" discussion.

UPDATE 1/17--OKAY: COPIED AND PASTED BELOW:

Board: M. Night Shyamalan

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which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by frankduxvandamme (Fri Nov 23 2007 15:18:05)
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hmm...
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by In_Excess (Fri Nov 23 2007 19:39:46)
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Which ones has he ripped off before? Hmmmm, NONE.
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by frankduxvandamme (Sat Nov 24 2007 17:20:28)
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Which ones has he ripped off before? Hmmmm, NONE.


the sixth sense.

there were at least 5 episodes of TZ where the main character was dead and didnt know it. then the big twist at the end of the episode was the character realizing he or she was dead the entire time.

The Village.

there were several episodes of both the TZ and the new Outer Limits involving the isolation of a community not aware of their own isolation, until the end.
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by RequiemForADyingPlanet (Sat Nov 24 2007 20:40:19)
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Shyamalan fans refuse to acknowledge that their messiah is a plagiarist.

By giving factual examples you force them to resort to denial (which they will, mark my words).
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by In_Excess (Mon Nov 26 2007 06:29:42)
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UPDATED Mon Nov 26 2007 06:31:05

the sixth sense.

there were at least 5 episodes of TZ where the main character was dead and didnt know it. then the big twist at the end of the episode was the character realizing he or she was dead the entire time.

The Village.

there were several episodes of both the TZ and the new Outer Limits involving the isolation of a community not aware of their own isolation, until the end.


You have never seen an episode of TZ before have you? Direct me to the EXACT EPISODES in which you claim Night ripped off. Otherwise, I do not believe it. I want you to prove these ridiculous allegations, especially the "at least 5" and "several episodes." Also, if Night rips those off, pretty much EVERY twist movie ever made ripped off TZ as well. The Others, Fight Club, Usual Suspects, Jacob's Ladder, etc. I'd like you to point out a twist film where the twist hadn't been done in SOME way in the past. There is nothing completely original left, at least as far as the twists are concerned.
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by RequiemForADyingPlanet (Mon Nov 26 2007 06:58:04)
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UPDATED Mon Nov 26 2007 06:58:47
Here are some examples of TZ episodes Shyamalan ripped off:


The Passerby - 10/6/61

A Confederate soldier rests with a weary woman waiting for her husband to return from battle. They realize they're dead along with the many soldiers walking down the road towards the afterlife.



The Hitch-Hiker - 1/22/60

A woman traveling across the country, keeps encountering the same mysterious hitch-hiker everwhere she goes. She later finds out that she had died on the trip and he's the Angel of Death.


He even stole his idea for LITW


The Bewitchin' Pool - 6/19/64

Two children escape through a magical portal in their pool, into a peaceful world for children.


Looks like In_Excess has to eat his words....AGAIN!




Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by In_Excess (Mon Nov 26 2007 12:56:15)
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UPDATED Mon Nov 26 2007 12:57:52
Looks like In_Excess has to eat his words....AGAIN!


You are an idiot. That is not "proof" of anything. In fact, anyone will be hard pressed to prove that Night ripped off any episode of TZ. What you have is two episodes where people realize they have been dead all along, so what? How does that BROAD realization prove that Night ripped off TZ? For all you know Rod Serling ripped off other sources for those episodes. I'm certain that Serling wasn't the first person on Earth to come up with the concept of someone realizing they were dead all along. Also, again, if that is enough "proof" for you to label Night as a plagiarist, you shouldn't have a problem labeling 90% of the filmmakers out there plagiarists as well.

Your last Bewitchin' Pool example is supposed to prove what exactly? Oh no, Lady in the Water has a pool that a Narf uses to live in, must be a rip of TZ!!! Yours and the OP's assertions are completely ludicrous. Again, you cannot take broad areas of a plot and say that it was ripped off. They are general enough to be mere coincidences. It's like saying Star Wars ripped off 2001 because they both took place in outer space. The only "rip off" criticism I am willing to entertain is the Running Out of Time v. The Village, which at least has some SPECIFIC detail that overlaps. Try again Jeremey.
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by RequiemForADyingPlanet (Mon Nov 26 2007 13:53:18)
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I guess writing bogus posts defending your director keeps your mind off the fact that you still have to eat your words. I gave proof. You couldn't handle that, your angry rant proves it.

Hopefully your next attempt isn't as pitiful.

How do those words taste, "moron"?
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by In_Excess (Mon Nov 26 2007 16:08:34)
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I guess writing bogus posts defending your director keeps your mind off the fact that you still have to eat your words. I gave proof. You couldn't handle that, your angry rant proves it.

Hopefully your next attempt isn't as pitiful.

How do those words taste, "moron"?


Just when I thought Jeremey couldn't get any more stupid, he gives us this classic post. Go look up the definition of "proof" before shooting your mouth of again idiot. I can't believe I have to explain these things to you. Again, when I asked for PROOF I asked for CONCRETE evidence to defend your moronic assertions. What you have provided as your "proof" is not even close to that. Your idiocy continues to astound me Jeremey.
Re: which Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode will he rip off next?
by RequiemForADyingPlanet (Mon Nov 26 2007 19:47:10)
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What more concrete evidence do you want? I gave CLEAR EXAMPLES of TZ stories that MIRRORED Shyamalan films.

Of course, you're probably holding out for an audio recording of Shyamalan admitting his guilt. If that's the proof your holding out for, keep holding your breath.

Your redundant circular logic is amusing. I'm sure it gets you through the day.


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